June 18

Have I blogged about Angry Mom before? I feel like I must have; she is often a big part of my life. But maybe I haven't, and I feel like she's worth mentioning. My desire for this blog is twofold: I want to document the first year of each child's life, with all of the achievements and growth therein. But I also want to document in an honest, unvarnished way, what our life is like. I want to remember the ups and the downs. While I choose not to share everything because some things are private or not for a world-wide audience, I really try to share things the way they are. We have a lot of fun and do some awesome things, but it is definitely not Pinterest over here.

Anyway. The luxury of having four children is that patterns become pretty apparent. One pattern I've noticed is that when each of my children has hit about 4.5 months old,  I have morphed into Angry Mom. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something I can really control. I've always connected Angry Mom to the sleep regression that is common with four-month-olds. When my babies stop napping, I get grouchy. Logical, right?

Except maybe not.

Part of Eli being premature is that he hasn't been hitting all of the milestones at the same age as his siblings. So that four month sleep regression? We haven't seen it yet. In fact, now that we have the spitup under control and he's nursing normally and he's fattened up enough that he doesn't fuss all the time, the kid is really a delight. 

And yet, Angry Mom has still reared her ugly head. 

So the wheels in my brain started spinning, and I began to wonder... maybe it's hormonal! Maybe Angry Mom is the result of the normal hormonal shift that occurs during the postpartum period. Hormones cause postpartum hair loss at three months; why couldn't they also cause this period of grouchiness and irritability?

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to get Angry Mom under control. I've been talking to everyone I can about her, trying to figure out if other moms have experienced the same thing. It turns out that lots of women have also dealt with the same thing; we just don't talk about it because it feels like a personal failing. We seem to all think that since it's not Pospartum Depression, which is a real and valid thing, it must just be a personal shortcoming.

So. How am I dealing with Angry Mom, now that I know it's not just me being a jerk?

I've been doing a lot of praying. All the things I need right now (joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self control) are fruits of the Spirit. I can't manufacture those, but I can pray that God will grow them in me.

I've been exercising. Physically, exercise makes me feel more like myself, and is a step toward losing the baby weight and fitting back in my clothes. But mentally, I need it. I need a break from the kids and the endorphin rush that comes from moving my body.

I've been watching what I eat. Sugar does crazy things to our hormones and emotions, and I've always been an emotional sweet-eater. 

I've upped my vitamin D intake, which helps regulate mood and hormones.

I've started using an essential oil blend called "Liquid Xanax". My friend Jill made it for me, and it helps in those moments when I know I'm being irrationally rage-y.

I'm making sure to get enough sleep. I need 8-9 hours a night to be cheerful. I'm done feeling guilty about that; it's just how I'm made.

Finally, I'm talking about it. Talking to Chris, talking to friends, talking. It makes me feel supported and connected, and it helps.

And it seems to be working. Slowly, slowly, slowly, I am giving Angry Mom the boot. Thank God I've figured out how to do it, because my poor children have been very patient and tolerant  of my moods.

But you came here for pictures, not a dissertation on my postpartum  mental state, didn't you?

It has been raining for years now (or at least it feels that way), so we are all feeling a little antsy and cooped up. Angry Mom doesn't like that. Yesterday, I was about to lose it, when a brilliant idea entered my mind:

blanket fort.

Caleb was baffled when I went from being frustrated and annoyed with him for being a normal little boy, to building him an awesome fort. But it worked - he was entertained, and I was no longer irritated.

Eli and Caleb rolled around on the big bed while I built the fort. Caleb was holding Eli's hand and singing/talking to him, and it was the sweetest thing ever.

He really is a very good boy. (That freckle on his chin? He calls it his "beauty mark", and I love that.)

That is my handsome boy. I sure do love him.

And my other handsome boy. He loves being tickled right now.

Blanket fort! Our bed frame is perfect for this - all I have to do is attach the flat sheet to each of the bed posts with a rubber band. A cardboard wrapping paper tube made a perfect center pole. The kids were all so happy, and we all won.