October 19

It's official:

Eli hates me.

I deduced this at about 3:36 this morning, when he was awake and unhappy and nothing I did helped him. It's been like this the past few nights; somewhere between 2:30 and 3 he wakes up and is mad that he's awake. He's not hungry, he doesn't want to play, he's  just annoyed.

It usually lasts for an hour or two, and it is awful.

And then he was awake for the day at 7 am. 

People, I cannot live like this. I honestly think my baby is slowly killing me. I swear that can happen. It feels like a physiological thing.

I decided that I would turn Eli's sleeplessness into a good thing, and put him down for an early morning nap. While the girls zoned out to Sesame Street and Eli snoozed, I would get a nap.

Ha!

HA HA.

He would only nap like this.

Not if I wore him.

Not if I put him in his crib.

And he certainly didn't want to be awake.

Eventually I just had to give up and decide that he would be awake, whether he (or I) wanted it or not. We had things to do.

One thing was preparing cake for book club tomorrow night. I am seeing a counselor for my postpartum depression tomorrow evening, and then book club is immediately after that. Both events are good for my mental health, so both are necessary. However, leaving my family for an entire evening is a major undertaking, so I began preparations today.

Step 1: Bake a cake.

The girls were eager to help.

Daisy is still sick, so we practiced lots of hand-washing and turning away from the food and sneezing into her elbow. 

I love this picture. Lily is so excited to have a turn to hold the mixer, and Daisy is encouraging her that she's doing a good job. Right now these two have a lot of animosity in their relationship, so I love this brief moment of cooperation and affirmation.

Daisy "reading" the directions to me. Can you tell she's been sampling the goods?

So excited. Mixing is her new favorite thing. I could tell she felt so proud, and like such a big girl!

Meanwhile, I ignored Eli as he played with toys in the floor. For some reason, I find it very hard to deal with my babies when they are supposed to be napping. 

I decided in my head that all three children would take afternoon naps. Daisy clearly needed one, and Eli was bound to be exhausted after only a 45-minute nap all morning. Once they were asleep, I would get the break I so desperately needed. Maybe I would nap, too. Maybe I would read my book for book club. It didn't matter; I was determined to actually take a break, and not just clean up or prep dinner. For my own sanity, I needed downtime.

I am such a sucker.

I got Daisy down. I got Lily down. I got Eli down...

nope. Just kidding.

Kid slept for 30 minutes.

I was expecting three hours.

Desperately, I closed my curtains and brought him into bed with me. Surely he'd sleep there, and then I'd still get a break.

Nope.

After an hour or so, he finally fell asleep.

Thank you, Jesus.

And then Lily woke up.

Do you know what Lily wanted to do? 

She wanted to wait on the front porch for Daddy to come home.

It was 3:30.

I felt the same way.

Eventually he did come home, but the kitchen was an explosion from book club prep and I hadn't started dinner because I was supposed to be resting, and I was broken.

I convinced Chris to hit McDonald's drive through and take the whole family to the park. Mama needed some sunshine. It didn't fix things, but it lightened the load in that moment. 

This stuff is rough.