February 28

One month ago today, sweet Eli was born.

Four days from today, sweet Eli is due.

Funny how that works, isn't it?

It has not been the easiest month:

being completely unprepared for Eli's arrival

a hospital stay when we were planning a home birth

MASTITIS

breastfeeding issues

slow weight gain

BUT, God has abundantly showered us with His grace and mercy this month. He has met our every need, and has given us good outcomes in crummy circumstances.

Eli's birth may have been in the hospital, with lots of interventions, but I was attended by my midwife and avoided a c-section.

Despite being five weeks premature, Eli did not have to go to the NICU and seems to have no lasting issues (except for breastfeeding, but he is slowly figuring things out).

Friends have come from all corners to bless us with meals, clothes, prayer, and support.

No, this is not how we would have planned things, but God is good, and He has been with us, and with Eli. Eli's name means "to lift up, ascent, or offering". His birth showed us so clearly that all of our plans and all that we have are not really ours; they belong to God. God knew from the beginning when Eli would be born, and He provided that Eli would be healthy and strong. All of this serves to remind us that Eli is not really ours, and so he is our offering to God. Our prayer is that God will continue to bless and provide for this child as he grows, and that Eli will love and serve his heavenly father with his whole being.

At one month, Eli is not yet hitting many milestones. I think it's fair to at least wait until his due date before we expect anything of him. But he does have some impressive stats:

6 pounds, 13 ounces

14" head circumference

nurses every 3 hours, on both sides, then drinks a bottle of expressed milk 

takes a bottle like a champ

would sleep 6 hours straight if I let him, but I'm not allowed to let him

smiles occasionally, especially at Chris

prefers to lie/sleep on his side

loves to be worn, and is most content when he is wrapped on my chest

loves to sleep in his swing

just outgrew his preemie clothes and diapers, and is starting to fit into some newborn clothes

is awake for maybe 3 hours out of the day, which is a big improvement! He was so sleepy at first!

cheerfully tolerates all of the love his brother and sisters shower upon him

overall, a very easy, happy baby!

Since Eli's one-month birthday happened to fall on a Saturday, Caleb helped me plan Eli's birthday photo shoot. He was very happy with the results.

Do you remember back in August, when we announced our pregnancy? 

Luckily, the shirts still fit! 

It is so delightful to have a baby to fill that shirt! And can you believe how much Lily has changed in the past 6 months? Lily was feeling a bit apprehensive about the photo shoot, for some reason.

I think this one may be my favorite of the number shirt pictures. You can't see Daisy's number, and Eli is definitely being smooshed, but it accurately portrays what life is like right now. These kids love their baby brother! Lily isn't trying to hurt Eli, she's trying to pet his hair. Sweet, sweet, sweet!

And then Lily wandered off, but Caleb and Daisy still wanted to spend some time loving on their baby. It sure looks like Eli might be smiling, doesn't it? (Caleb told me yesterday that he wants to have two more babies: boy and girl twins. I'm not sure what to say about that.)

Sweet big sister, and sweet baby yawn!

*sigh* 

Some people think four children is too many. I certainly don't think so, especially when I see pictures like this.

Caleb's other idea for pictures involved Superman shirts. A few weeks ago, Caleb and Chris were wearing their matching Superman t-shirts when Caleb realized that Eli should have one, too. Amazingly, I found a newborn-sized one on clearance at Target last week.

My three Super men!

Daisy was sad that she couldn't be in the picture, so she put on her Wonder Woman costume. 

Wonder Woman definitely loves her baby brother!

Seriously - isn't she the sweetest?

Once the girls went down for their naps, I took a few pictures of just Eli. I am so in love with our new wrap, which is a Girasol Northern Lights, that I had to use it in the pictures.

This was one of the few pictures of awake Eli. He fell asleep pretty quickly.

Sweet sleeping baby.

Eli is definitely not chubby, but you can absolutely see how he has started to fill out. It's been a pretty dramatic change over the past week. His arms used to have loose, flapping skin, and now you can see the beginnings of rolls! It makes all of my lost sleep due to feeding him seem worthwhile

And this one is my favorite: 

That's my baby. He is totally worth all of the stress of the past month, and I am thankful for him and for God's plan for his life.

February 27

After we got Caleb on the bus, the little ones and I loaded up into the van and took Eli to his one-month checkup. Our sweet boy did great! He weighed 6 pounds, 13 ounces, which means he gained 4 ounces in the past three days. After our doctor took all of his measurements, she entered them into his growth charts and showed me his progress. Before, the data was not curving like it was supposed to; it was more of a slightly angled line. Now, the data has jumped up! You can see exactly where he started growing, and it's so exciting. Somehow in the past week or so, Eli's little body figured out what it was supposed to do!

Now we are no longer concerned about his weight. He needs to keep growing, and I need to keep pumping and supplementing with a bottle, but I don't need to check his weight every few days and be neurotic like I have been. Our doc told me that it's entirely possible that it may take Eli 6-10 weeks to learn how to really nurse efficiently and effectively. In the meantime, I'll need to keep pumping and supplementing. It's just an effect of his prematurity, but it's one that he will outgrow.

It's funny; since Eli came out healthy and strong and avoided the NICU and has no obvious challenges, everyone seems to assume that he's okay and a normal baby. Which he is, except for this breastfeeding thing. I know that this is a short season that he will outgrow without any major consequences, and I'm thankful for that, but it is a challenging season. Feeding Eli feels like a full-time job, in addition to caring for the other kids. With my first three, by one month we had found a rhythm and I was starting to get at least a little bit of sleep at night. With Eli, though? There is no sleep for me. My exhaustion is becoming chronic and long-term, with no end in sight. It's even funnier when I think that Eli isn't really even supposed to be here yet; I'm supposed to be stocking up on those final pregnancy naps and enjoying my last full nights of sleep.

But he's here, and I'm not sleeping.

But he's growing! And this will eventually pass.  Until them, I am exhausted, and exhausted Carrie = grouchy Carrie. So if you see me in real life, be forewarned.

A funny thing about Eli: I've noticed the past few nights that he really likes to sleep on his side. At first, I thought my mattress just wasn't firm enough, and it was causing him to roll over a little bit. But no, he just prefers to be on his side. Even our doctor noticed it today when she was examining him. When she first began checking him out, Eli was lying flat on his back and crying, but when she rolled him to his side, he stopped crying and - for real - began smiling. How funny is that?

Nap time today. On his side. Happy camper.

At bedtime tonight, Chris read to all four kids.

Caleb was being a stinker.

Ignore stinker Caleb's photobomb; focus instead on sweet Lily, holding Eli's hand. How sweet is that?

Do you see how she's playing with his little fingers? I love how much Lily loves Eli.

Chris went to put the girls to bed, so Caleb kept Eli and me company until Daddy was ready to put him to bed. I folded laundry, and Caleb snuggled Eli. 

This big brother was so excited to hold his baby brother! Eli kept sucking on his hand, though, and rooting on Caleb's belly, so I asked if Caleb wanted to feed Eli a bottle. 

Caleb was so, so careful as he fed Eli. I asked if he was feeling nervous, because he looked really tense. Caleb replied, "No, I'm not nervous. I'm just trying not to hurt him!"

What sweet boys we have.

February 26

It was a busy, busy day for us today!

I got Caleb off to school and took Daisy to preschool, and then Lily, Eli and I battled snow and rush hour traffic on an empty gas tank to go to Eli's second craniosacral therapy appointment. Then we ran bunch of errands before picking Daisy up, eating lunch, and putting the girls down for naps. In the afternoon, I got dinner ready, went to Caleb's parent/teacher conference, and then went to book club. By the time Eli and I got home from book club, I was spent. Thus, a late blog post with hardly any pictures.

I snapped these pictures because they represent life right now:

Eli spends a good chunk of each day napping in his swing. Usually he's not quite so bundled up, but he is always content there. If he's not in his swing, then he's sleeping on my bed or wrapped up on my chest.

It's funny how the big kids can run screaming circles around him, but as long as that swing is still swinging, he sleeps right through it. I love it!

Some details about today's events:

Eli's second craniosacral therapy appointment went really well. After the first, I noticed that Eli was able to turn his head and comfortably get into position to nurse on the right side. I saw an immediate improvement; he went from nursing on the right side 0% of the time to nursing there 30% of the time. However, the other 70% of the time he would attempt to nurse, but give up in frustration pretty quickly. I developed the suspicion that the mastitis has left enough lingering swelling that my letdown is slow, and Eli doesn't have the patience to wait for it.  

I discussed this with the craniosacral therapist, and she worked on Eli a little bit. He was due to nurse during our session, so she worked on him while he was latched on and nursing on the right side. It was absolutely our best  nursing session yet, and since then he has nursed significantly better. I still need to pump after each feeding and supplement with a bottle, though, because he is definitely nowhere near emptying the breast. But at least he's nursing on both sides,which gives me hope that we will someday have a normal nursing relationship!

(Side note: I definitely noticed some hippie-dippie weirdness from the craniosacral therapist today. It is definitely an alternative treatment. But man, does it work! One of the things that I thought was funny/sweet was that as Eli was nursing and the therapist was working on him, Lily came up and put her hands on Eli's head. The therapist had her eyes closed and was focused on Eli, but immediately put her head up, looked at me, and said, "He has a really strong bond with her!" I guess the combination of Eli's physical response and whatever "feedback" she was getting from him gave her the impression that Eli is really attached to his sister. How sweet is that? I'd totally believe it.)

Caleb's parent/teacher conference also went well. Chris stayed home with the kids while I went up for the 15-minute appointment. Caleb has shown a lot of improvement and development with school stuff, but Chris and I still have lingering concerns about whether we should have kept him home another year, and whether we should hold him back next year. His teacher, though, doesn't have any concerns. She said that he is right on track with where he needs to be at this point in the year, and that as long as he keeps progressing at this rate, he will be ready to move on. I was relieved and encouraged to hear that, and to hear all the little tidbits of information that tell me that his teacher really knows and cares about him. She even knew the girls' names, and that we call Lily "Lulu". I think that's pretty good for a teacher with 17 other kids in her class!

February 25

Well. After a slow start, we were wildly productive today! 

After we got Caleb on the bus, the little ones and I got ready for a playdate at a friend's house. Of course, Eli made sure that we were a good thirty minutes late, but it was still fun. 

After lunch, all three children miraculously napped at the same time. It was amazing! I used the opportunity to finish almost all of my new baby thank you notes. It was a big deal because I had a backlog of at least a dozen to write, and I feel so much better now that they're done!

Lily woke up just in time to walk to the bus stop to pick up Caleb, and when we returned home, she, Caleb, Eli and I all snuggled in bed and watched a show on PBS while I nursed Eli. When Eli was done eating, I decided that since he was four weeks old today, he might need to take a bath. (He's only had one bath so far.)

I learned that bathing a baby in the kitchen sink and trying to take pictures all by myself was not the best idea. But we managed.

Eli really enjoyed swimming in the warm water! I discovered that the sink wasn't big enough for him to stretch out, though, and he really wanted to stretch and kick his legs. Next time, I'll use an infant seat in the bath tub! 

(Side note - look at how his thighs are starting to fill out! He has little bitty rolls, instead of saggy loose skin! Yay, Eli!)

I love this look of obvious displeasure as I lifted him out of the warm water.

Sleepy, clean,  hungry baby! I'm really hoping he's going through a growth spurt, because this kiddo is nursing like crazy lately! (side note: those are brand-new newborn-sized jammies and they fit him perfectly! I love all of the signs that our little guy is growing well!)

February 24

It's funny how having children has changed how I celebrate my birthday. More specifically, it's funny how having my fourth child nearly a month ago has changed how I celebrated my birthday this year. This year, like every year since having children, my goals for my birthday were to not have to prepare any meals and to take a nap.

Neither goal happened. 

Chris had to work, so any chance of daytime adventures was squashed. Caleb had school, Daisy had preschool, and Eli and I had our 4-week postpartum checkup. So really, it was a day just like any other day, which was disappointing to me. I enjoy doing little things to celebrate my birthday! But there were a few small blessings today that made it more special.

Chris bought me breakfast from a nearby restaurant, and it was waiting for me, along with handmade cards from the kids, when he left for work. Caleb actually wrote in his card for me, and it was the first time he'd ever written a sentence for me. It said, "I love you Momee. Hapee birthday!" Melt my heart! The spelling was my clue that he wrote it all by himself, without any help from Chris, which made it even more special.

We weighed Eli at the postpartum check, and he clocked in at 6 pounds, 9 ounces! Way to go, Eli! It's so nice to have quantifiable proof that all of my hours of lost sleep because of  nursing and pumping have been worthwhile. (Side note: yesterday I began looking at the pictures of Eli's birth, and I had lots of questions for my midwife today. I learned several interesting things about his delivery that I was completely unaware of before. I can't wait until I have time to finish writing his birth story!)

When I picked Daisy up from preschool, I discovered that one of Eli's new cloth diapers that disappeared last week had turned up. Someone found it in the parking lot, where someone (whose name rhymes with "silly") must have thrown it out of the van. Hooray!

The afternoon was a blur, the kids were chaotic, Chris came home from work late, we had no idea what we were doing for dinner... It was a rough evening. In the end, my mom came over and we all went out for pancakes at IHOP to celebrate my birthday. Not exactly my favorite thing ever, but like I said - birthday celebrations change once you have kids.

Mom brought me a multicolored bouquet of roses, and Lily loved them!

The kids and I decorated for my birthday yesterday. One of the things we got out was this frame, which was a gift from a sweet friend a few years ago. Every birthday, we pull it out and put a picture of the birthday person on their birth day in the frame. Daisy was delighted with the picture of me as a newborn, as well as the picture of my parents when they were still young and relatively unharried. 

 

Mom will probably hate this picture, but I love how she's holding Eli while playing what is apparently a really awesome game with Lily.

Grandma is so much fun!

Caleb gave me lots of birthday snuggles, too. I was surprised by how excited the kids were about celebrating my birthday. They really wanted to make it special! 

It may not have been the kind of birthday I would have chosen, but these guys? They make it all worth it. I am so blessed.

February 23

Do-Nothing Monday!

And we did... almost nothing. It was beautiful. My two major accomplishments for the day were baking my birthday cake (a cheesecake with gluten-free chocolate cookie crust and cherries on top) and addressing Eli's birth announcements, which came in the mail today. Both girls took great naps, and Eli and I spent a lot of time snuggling, nursing, and pumping in bed. I call that a good day. Of course, days like that often don't have a lot of pictures to accompany them.

While Eli slept in his swing, the girls helped me make the cheesecake filling.

Later, Lily asked me to wrap her baby onto her back, which is one of her new favorite things. She'll hold the baby in one hand, a blanket in the other, and say, "Bap? Bap?" I can only assume that she's trying to say "back". As soon as I tie that baby onto her, she is as happy as a clam! I prefer a one-shouldered rebozo ruck carry, while Chris tends to use a torso carry for Lily's baby. Either way, she's happy.

Dinner was actually pleasant, and we were able to have conversation with the kids. Caleb told us last night that he likes dinnertime because we can talk about things. I love that kid.

After dinner, Chris played Zingo with all four kids. To be fair, Eli and Lily weren't very competitive players.

Then Chris read bedtime stories. He started out with all four kids, but Lily wandered off to find her cup of bedtime milk.

I love watching Eli become a part of our normal daily routine. It gives me hope that some day, life will return to normal!

February 22

Eli and I skipped church one last time today - I think by next Sunday we'll be ready to go again. Still, Chris and the kids went, so I got up and helped them get ready and out the door. They were all especially cute this morning, so I tried to take some pictures. Somehow, I only ended up with tooth-brushing pictures. Go figure.

This picture should be an outtake that gets deleted, but something about it makes me smile, so it stays. Perhaps it's Lily's perky little ponytail with bow. Or the skirt with polka dotted tights and little boots. Or the fact that she was climbing up on Daisy's bed. Or Caleb's legs, crossed so casually as he laid back and brushed his teeth. I don't know. I love it all.

Lily freaks out if Chris or I try to help her brush her teeth. But if Caleb and Daisy are brushing their teeth and she has the freedom to do what the big kids are doing, all by herself, then she happily brushes her own teeth.

Daisy asked for pigtails today. I never say no to pigtails.

Caleb chose to wear a muscle shirt over long sleeves today. He also chose to brush his teeth while lying down. His toothbrush also matched his shirt.

I have no idea.

Lily tried the complicated "Downward Dog while Brushing" pose. She did a pretty good job.

My mom and Ryan stopped by on their way home from church this afternoon, and Ryan got to meet Eli for the first time. 

I know Ryan looks unimpressed, but I think he was actually pretty impressed with Eli. I love this picture because Ryan looks just like his mom (my sister Emily) here. I think it's the eyes.

Eli quickly grew bored with the visit. Soon we'll have to teach him that it's rude to yawn when meeting someone for the first time.

Speaking of first times, Eli wore a couple different newborn-sized sleepers for the first time today. I can tell he's growing, because the preemie clothes that used to fit him perfectly are getting a bit small, and the ginormous newborn-sized clothes are starting to fit! His face is also filling out quite a bit.

Another first? I'm pretty sure Eli smiled at Chris tonight. I would call it a fluke because he's only three and a half weeks old and because of the preemie factor (we've been told to expect to see him hit milestones later than normal, based on his due date instead of his birth date), but he did it three separate times! What was insulting, though, was that I was holding Eli, but he looked past me to stare at Chris and then smile at him. No smiles for Mommy - you know, the one who makes all the milk? - but three different smiles for Daddy. Oh, well. I'll get my smiles soon enough.

It's a busy week for us: Eli and I have our 4-week postpartum checkup on Tuesday, then another craniosacral therapy appointment on Thursday, then Eli's one-month checkup with the doctor on Friday. I can't believe this baby is almost a month old! Even stranger, I can't believe that he's almost a month old, but he's still not even supposed to be born yet! Still, life with him is starting to feel normal, and today I came to the realization that though things are hard now, it really is a very short season of hardship. Soon enough, Eli will be just like every other baby! In the meantime, I just have to survive the sleep deprivation necessary to get us there.

February 21

This morning, I nursed Eli from 4:15 to 5:00, then woke Chris up and asked him to feed Eli a bottle of expressed milk. While Chris fed him, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I ended up sleeping until 8:30, which was the longest stretch of uninterrupted sleep I've had since Eli was born.

Just over 3 hours.

It was beautiful. And when I woke up, Eli and I snuggled and nursed for another 45 minutes while Chris made breakfast for the big kids and kept everyone alive and happy. I have a good husband. He must have even taken a few pictures for me, because I found these gems on my memory card tonight:

Apparently the big kids were playing dress-up in the basement, and this was Caleb's ensemble. Batman muscle suit, Batman rain boots, skull cap, and a stick with a foam pad on the end.

Princess Daisy wore a purple gown over her fleece nightgown, and completed the look with some Princess Ariel flats.

Aren't they a funny pair? I love that they can play unsupervised in the basement now. It's so liberating. 

Lily was down there with them for a while, too, wearing her Olaf hat the whole time. She also somehow found this hoodie, which she has long outgrown, and insisted on wearing it. I just can't get rid of that silly hoodie!

After lunch, Chris put the girls down for naps. While I made my grocery list, Chris and Caleb fed Eli a bottle of breastmilk.  

Caleb got to help feed Eli his bottle, which was a really big deal. Daisy and Lily never took bottles, so Caleb has never experienced being able to help feed a baby. He was pretty excited!

I love the look on Caleb's face as he rests his head on Daddy's shoulder and feeds his new baby brother a bottle. It was such a sweet moment!

More of the same, I know, but each image is so precious! Also, in case you're wondering, my breastfeeding-guru doctor mandated Eli's bottle feeding position. She gave detailed instructions about how Eli should be seated completely upright while we feed him, and how we should tip the bottle up and down to mimic breastfeeding as closely as possible. 

If she says it, we do it. 

After the bottle, I loaded Eli into the van and took him shopping with me. Normally when I have a baby wrapped on my chest, no one notices. I can do my shopping in peace, knowing my baby is safe and happy. Perhaps it was because I was wearing Eli in our new, brightly colored wrap, but today everyone noticed Eli, and everyone wanted to talk to me about how tiiiiny my baby was.

I get that Eli is a novelty - most people haven't seen a baby as small as him. And I know people just think he's interesting and noteworthy and cute. Like a little doll. But goodness, it gets old hearing how tiny he is, over and over and over again. We all know I'm not the most tactful person in the world anyway, but the repeated comments plus the stress of the past three weeks means that I just want to shout, "Of course he's tiny! He was five weeks premature! He should still be in utero right now!" 

But I don't. I just smile and try to be gracious and move on. I suppose in the long run, I will be very thankful for this healthy dose of perspective. For now, I'd just like another three hour stretch of sleep. Maybe after that I could be gracious and kind to strangers at the grocery store.

February 20

After we got Caleb on the bus this morning, the girls and I took Eli to the diaper store for another weigh-in. On Tuesday he was 5 lb, 14.5 oz. I was disappointed that he hadn't gained enough, but hoped that maybe it was due to being weighed on a different scale. Today, on the same scale, he weighed 6 lb, 2 oz. That's an increase of 3.5 oz in 3 days, which is right where we want him to be. Way to go, Eli!

When we got home, I wrapped him up in our new wrap so that I could make the girls lunch. When I wear him out in public, I often get comments like, "Is there a baby in there? I couldn't even tell!"

It's true -  Eli is so little that it just looks like I have a lumpy vest on, rather than a baby on my chest. But from my angle, it's totally different. I can hear him breathing, feel his chest move with each breath, and brush my lips against his soft, downy head. He may squawk at first when I wrap him on me, but Eli always ends up sound asleep when he's on my chest. Babywearing is definitely one of my favorite things about having little ones. So today, I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of my view when I wear Eli.

To be honest, I'm still figuring out how to wrap him on my front with a woven wrap. I started using woven wraps when Lily was 6 months old, so I focused all of my energy on learning to do back carries and not front carries. This was my first attempt at kangaroo carry, and I know that top rail (the gray stripe) is not as snug as it should be, and probably not positioned where it should be. But he could breathe just fine and was snug and secure, so we'll call it a temporary success.

I loosened the top rail a bit so that you could see his sweet little hand up by his face and his fuzzy little ear. Darling baby!

After dinner tonight, Caleb and Daisy wanted to play Just Dance. We used a Christmas giftcard to get the kids the Wii version of the game a few weeks ago, and they really like it. They still haven't figured it out, but they don't seem to mind. 

We give Lily an extra wii-mote and let her think that she's playing too, and she is so happy!

Honestly, Lily may be better at the game than Caleb and Daisy are. She spins and twirls and moves her feet and really dances to the music, while they just stand there and slowly, almost imperceptibly move their arms. It's actually kind of funny. Chris and I may have to show these kids how it's done! 

Except for Lily. She's got it down.